Thursday, September 2, 2010


Sorry, it has been a while since I posted last. Life can get pretty hectic with 3 small children and it is hard to find time to come up with a complete thought let alone write it down! Brighton has started kindergarten and since we are homeschooling it takes up a big part of our day. He is a really good kid though and loves to learn so it doesn't really seem like work. Plus Brighton and Lily have both started soccer so that takes up another huge chunk of time that I usually have free. I guess I have been kind of avoiding my blog because I am not really sure how I feel about everything and what to write. I am kind of all over the place right now. It is easy with being so busy and having so much else to focus on to push everything that is going on with Ella to the back of my mind. There are still things I need to do, like talk to the funeral home and make arrangements for when she passes, but I am getting good at avoiding those things. It's easy to forget with her kicking and moving like crazy that anything is wrong. Until something will come out of nowhere and all of a sudden I am faced with it all again.

This past Saturday Jacob and I left the kids with his mom and dad and went to Six Flag's for the day, just me and him. We were in Hurricane Harbor, the water park part of the park, when two different families came in with little girls in wheel chairs. One of the little girls looked like she could have had spina bifida. From the waist up she looked completely normal and healthy but her legs looked smaller than the rest of her body like the muscles had atrophied and she couldn't use them. A year ago I would have probably looked at these two families and felt sorry for them. I would have thought "Oh, how awful to have a child with a disability." But as I sat on the park bench waiting for Jacob to get done changing out of his swimming suit all I could feel was envy.

What I wouldn't give for a little girl in a wheelchair. I know that wouldn't be easy but at least we would have her! We could watch her grow. We could hug and love on her. If only her neural tube defect would have been on the other end. It's amazing how quickly your whole perspective on life can change. A year ago the thing I would have been most afraid of is now the thing I would give anything in the world to have. Just a chance to see her grow and thrive. Even if she wasn't perfect. Even if she never walked or talked.

So that is pretty much how my days have been going. I am going through my day completely normally until I see something or hear something that brings it all back and I remember just exactly what we are going to lose. I have been listening to a song today that helps to remind me that we aren't losing her forever. One day we will get to see her again and love and hug on her. The song is called Glory baby by Watermark. Click on the link below to hear it.

Share Glory Baby by Watermark


  1. Courtney the song is beautiful. I cried, which I do a lot of when I read your words.

  2. What a neat song! I thought of the lyrics "When we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be." I betcha Grandpa Denton will be holding and hugging Ella when we get there. Ella will be thanking her parents for keeping her safe for so long. Wow!

  3. I agree. i have a girl in my class that has spina bifida....the OTHER neural tube defect.....that is NOT fatal. I just wish for that some days. I appreciate your honesty. It's so hard to face the truth of this pain sometimes. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Praying for you Coutrney! I had never heard Glory Baby, but my friend had mentioned singing it at Briar's celebration, so thanks for sharing it!!

  4. I understand the jealousy completely. I have met a few people along my grief journey whose children died of SIDS or were born alive and only lived for 9 days. I'm incredibly jealous of these ladies. I wish I could have held the warm bodies of Jacob and Paul. I wish I could have dressed them or even had pictures of them that looked like newborns. I understand completely.