This beautiful little lady was staring at me from the cover of my new Parents magazine. Her name is Emily Keicher and she has Spina Bifida.
Oh, Ella... If only your neuro tube defect had been on the other end; is this what you would be like?
Monday, January 14, 2013
If only...
This beautiful little lady was staring at me from the cover of my new Parents magazine. Her name is Emily Keicher and she has Spina Bifida.
Oh, Ella... If only your neuro tube defect had been on the other end; is this what you would be like?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wow!
It has been a really, really, really long time since I have posted! It has been over a year in fact. My last blog post I was still pregnant and my baby boy will be a year old next week! Oops! I guess I am more than a little behind. The only internet we have at home right now is on our phones and I am just not up for typing out blog posts on my phone. But while I had the chance I just wanted to catch everybody up on us. We are doing really good! Our son Finley Harper Roth was born almost one year ago on October 7th.
He has been an absolute joy and blessing to our family. I couldn't have asked for a better baby. If only he would get the sleeping through the night thing down. ;-) He is now getting ready to celebrate his first birthday!
It is coming up on Ella's second birthday in Heaven. It's hard to believe two years have come and gone since I have held her in my arms. I would give anything to kiss her soft cheeks one more time. But I feel like I am in a really good place. I look at her pictures on the wall everyday and smile at her beautiful face. I know she is in a good place and we will be together again one day. I hate that Finley never got to meet her like the other kids did but he will know all about her. His big sister.
Brighton is 7 and a half and turning in to a little man right before my eyes. It won't be long before he is taller than I am! Lily will turn 6 the day before Finley's birthday and is as crazy and wild as she has always been. She is my free spirit! Lilah is 4 and my girly girl. She is always wearing some kind of mis-matched tutu outfit. She has a heart for animals and would have a thousand pets if we would allow it! Finley is snugly little guy and so far a mama's boy, to my delight! Jacob and I have been extremely blessed with the children God has gifted us!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Hello!
My blog posts have been few and far between lately and I am sure it will only get worse once this new baby gets here. But I thought I would pop in and update a little bit. I am now 35 weeks pregnant (well I will be tomorrow). I had my OB appt yesterday and I am already 1cm dilated and 50% effaced! She said if I worked outside the home she would tell me I was done working but since I stay at home she wants me to take it very easy for the next 2 weeks to make sure we get to full term. I have never went into labor on my own so I am not really worried about it. I have had to be induced with all my other kiddos so if this one comes on his own I will be totally blown away!
We started our new school year today. Brighton is in 1st grade this year and I am excited to get started on this years homeschool journey. Hopefully it won't get to hairy when we throw a new baby into the mix! Lily will be 5 in October but we aren't starting her on a formal curriculum until next year. But I try to work with her as much as I can while Brighton does his school work. I try to include both girls as much as possible because they like being "big kids" and doing their school work too. They are always excited to show daddy their color sheets when he gets home.
It's hard to believe that it has been 10 months since Ella has come and gone. We are nearing her first birthday. She will be a big sister before she is even a year old. :-) We think about her all the time and talk about her a lot. Especially with the new baby coming. Lilah seems to get confused. A few weeks ago she was sitting on my lap and and was telling me I needed to go to the doctor and get the baby out of my belly. I told her it wasn't time yet and he needed to get bigger before he came out. She gasped and said, "Oh no! We left Ella at the doctor!" I explained to her that we didn't leave Ella at the doctor that she is in Heaven with Jesus. Then when it was time for my next doctor's appt she was throwing a fit and crying and didn't want me to leave and go to the doctor. When I asked her what was wrong she sobbed " I want to go to the doctor with you and see Ella." That broke my heart... Again I had to explain that Ella wasn't at the doctor. So while Brighton and Lily are big enough to realize what has happened Lilah doesn't quite understand it all yet.
So that is just a little update on us. We are moving forward. We are excited for what the future holds but we certainly are not "over it" yet and we never will be. And that's ok.
We started our new school year today. Brighton is in 1st grade this year and I am excited to get started on this years homeschool journey. Hopefully it won't get to hairy when we throw a new baby into the mix! Lily will be 5 in October but we aren't starting her on a formal curriculum until next year. But I try to work with her as much as I can while Brighton does his school work. I try to include both girls as much as possible because they like being "big kids" and doing their school work too. They are always excited to show daddy their color sheets when he gets home.
It's hard to believe that it has been 10 months since Ella has come and gone. We are nearing her first birthday. She will be a big sister before she is even a year old. :-) We think about her all the time and talk about her a lot. Especially with the new baby coming. Lilah seems to get confused. A few weeks ago she was sitting on my lap and and was telling me I needed to go to the doctor and get the baby out of my belly. I told her it wasn't time yet and he needed to get bigger before he came out. She gasped and said, "Oh no! We left Ella at the doctor!" I explained to her that we didn't leave Ella at the doctor that she is in Heaven with Jesus. Then when it was time for my next doctor's appt she was throwing a fit and crying and didn't want me to leave and go to the doctor. When I asked her what was wrong she sobbed " I want to go to the doctor with you and see Ella." That broke my heart... Again I had to explain that Ella wasn't at the doctor. So while Brighton and Lily are big enough to realize what has happened Lilah doesn't quite understand it all yet.
So that is just a little update on us. We are moving forward. We are excited for what the future holds but we certainly are not "over it" yet and we never will be. And that's ok.
Monday, June 20, 2011
New pictures
Again I am horribly late at updating my blog. I had my 20 week ultrasound about 3 weeks ago now and our little guy looked just perfect! The perinatologist said he saw no signs of neural tube defects or any other defects for that matter. He gave our baby boy a clean bill of health and barring any other complications I will not need to see them again for the remainder of my pregnancy. So I feel like I can finally start thinking that we are going to have a baby in October and start shopping for all of the the things he will need. Poor baby still doesn't have a name yet. I am just praying he will have one by the time he arrives. Boy's names are so hard. At least for us. We can't seem to agree on anything! Here are a few pictures from our 20 week ultrasound!
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| 2D prifile pic |
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| 3D |
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
News!
I have been horrible about blogging but just wanted to let everyone know that......
Ella is going to be a big sister!!!
We are expecting a little boy who is due in October. So far he seems to be perfectly healthy. We have had 4 ultrasounds so far and he has looked great in every one. At our 13 week ultrasound the tech guessed boy and we had another ultrasound at an elective ultrasound place this week and they confirmed boy! He was not shy about letting us see the goods. :-) So without further ado, here he is....
Ella is going to be a big sister!!!
We are expecting a little boy who is due in October. So far he seems to be perfectly healthy. We have had 4 ultrasounds so far and he has looked great in every one. At our 13 week ultrasound the tech guessed boy and we had another ultrasound at an elective ultrasound place this week and they confirmed boy! He was not shy about letting us see the goods. :-) So without further ado, here he is....
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Playing Catch Up
Wow, it has been almost a month since I have posted on here! I guess I need to play a bit of catch up since it has been so long. We had a good Christmas. It was nice celebrating with our families and the kids got lots of good loot. It was a little bit sad not having Ella there for her first Christmas. I think what bothered me the most is not being able to do anything for her for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I am glad we had her cremated and I am glad her ashes are here with us at home. But I at times like Christmas I wish she had a grave site. Somewhere where we could go and decorate with flowers for her or leave her little gifts. I just wanted to do something for my baby for Christmas. But there was nothing to do for her, nowhere to leave flowers or toys. This spring we are going to plant a tree in our yard for her so maybe next year I can leave something for her under it. I am truly at peace with her being in Heaven. I know that she is right where she was meant to be. But I still felt guilty. I don't want her to feel left out. Silly, I know.
For Christmas, instead of gifts, (which they ended up getting us anyway) my in-laws have rented a house on the beach in Gulf Shores for us in May. It will be us, my mother and father in-law, my brother in-law Daniel and his wife Tiffany and their baby girl Nora (who should be arriving any day now!). I can't wait! Jacob and I have never been on a "real" vacation together. We didn't get to take a honeymoon and I don't count weekends in Branson as a "real" vacation. The kids are super excited too! It will be the first time they have ever seen the ocean. It also gives us something good to look forward to. I am counting the days and I can't wait for May to get here!
I will leave you with a couple pictures of Christmas and the snow we got this week. :-)
For Christmas, instead of gifts, (which they ended up getting us anyway) my in-laws have rented a house on the beach in Gulf Shores for us in May. It will be us, my mother and father in-law, my brother in-law Daniel and his wife Tiffany and their baby girl Nora (who should be arriving any day now!). I can't wait! Jacob and I have never been on a "real" vacation together. We didn't get to take a honeymoon and I don't count weekends in Branson as a "real" vacation. The kids are super excited too! It will be the first time they have ever seen the ocean. It also gives us something good to look forward to. I am counting the days and I can't wait for May to get here!
I will leave you with a couple pictures of Christmas and the snow we got this week. :-)
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| Lilah opening a ds game. |
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| Lily |
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| Brighton and his paper jamz |
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| Our messy living room after the gifts were opened on Christmas Eve. |
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| Christmas morning before the kids woke up. |
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| Cookies for Santa! |
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| Snow day! |
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| Lily throwing snowballs |
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| Lilah |
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| Brighton sledding! |
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| Good times :-) |
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| And...Just because they are so cute, two of my favorite people! |
Friday, December 17, 2010
Ella's Ornaments
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| Sweet Feet! |
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| A gift from my mom. |
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| A picture ornament. |
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| The Roth family Christmas tree! |
Due Date
Today was supposed to be Ella's due date. It would have been a really interesting one too, had she come today, with all of the ice we got last night. I think it probably would have been my first home birth! But luckily because of the ice Jacob stayed home today which helped keep my mind off of it being her due date. We just hung out and watched T.V and baked some gingerbread cookies. It was a pretty good day, really. But now that the day is coming to a close I am kinda sad. Her due date kind of feels like the last little piece of her. And now it is almost over. The day that should have been her's.
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
The Band Perry, If I Die Young
Monday, December 13, 2010
6 Weeks
It has been 6 weeks since Ella has come and gone. The last couple of days have been harder for me for some reason. I guess it's because when I first got pregnant I pictured this holiday season being much different. This upcoming Thursday would have been my due date so I thought I would be having a baby any day now. On Saturday night we had Jacob's union Christmas party to go to. Jacob's mom and dad were keeping the kids for us so Jacob ran them out there about noon. So we had most of the day Saturday to ourselves. Jacob had a headache so he came home and took a nap. Which left me by myself. Most of the time I have enough kids and commotion around me that I don't really have time to dwell on my loss much. But Saturday I had plenty of time. And to top it all off I thought I would watch Elizabeth Edwards funeral on TV. Not a good idea. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. So I spent most of the day Saturday wallowing.
Another thing that I think bothered me was that when I had pictured this Christmas party I thought I would still be pregnant. My brother and sister in law were also there, and another friend and his wife who are expecting a baby in January. This summer I thought that we would all be big and pregnant at the Christmas party. All awaiting the births of our perfect babies. But instead my belly was empty and my baby is in Heaven.
Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a candle light ceremony in our community for all children, siblings, and grandchildren who have passed away. There was a photo slide show that Ella was included in. They also read a beautiful poem and there was music played. I was surprised to see how many people in our community had lost children. There were children of all different ages who had died for many different reasons - from car accidents to illness. It was kind of comforting to be in a room filled with people who have been through the same thing but also heartbreaking to know so many people are hurting the same way.
I was so looking forward to this Christmas but I am beginning to come to the realization that this holiday season is the beginning of having to give up many of the little dreams that I had. One celebration at a time.
We did have a good time at Jacob's Christmas party! Most of the men in his family are union carpenters so it is always more like a family reunion than a work Christmas party. The anticipation of going was much worse than actually being there. Once I got there it was easy to relax and fall into the conversation. We laughed and joked and had a good time! I am sure that is how every holiday celebration will be - much worse in my head than in reality.
Another thing that I think bothered me was that when I had pictured this Christmas party I thought I would still be pregnant. My brother and sister in law were also there, and another friend and his wife who are expecting a baby in January. This summer I thought that we would all be big and pregnant at the Christmas party. All awaiting the births of our perfect babies. But instead my belly was empty and my baby is in Heaven.
Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a candle light ceremony in our community for all children, siblings, and grandchildren who have passed away. There was a photo slide show that Ella was included in. They also read a beautiful poem and there was music played. I was surprised to see how many people in our community had lost children. There were children of all different ages who had died for many different reasons - from car accidents to illness. It was kind of comforting to be in a room filled with people who have been through the same thing but also heartbreaking to know so many people are hurting the same way.
I was so looking forward to this Christmas but I am beginning to come to the realization that this holiday season is the beginning of having to give up many of the little dreams that I had. One celebration at a time.
We did have a good time at Jacob's Christmas party! Most of the men in his family are union carpenters so it is always more like a family reunion than a work Christmas party. The anticipation of going was much worse than actually being there. Once I got there it was easy to relax and fall into the conversation. We laughed and joked and had a good time! I am sure that is how every holiday celebration will be - much worse in my head than in reality.
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| Jacob and I at the union Christmas party. |
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A thankful post
It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since Ella was born. It seems like the past month has flown by and that makes me really sad. Every day that goes by feels like a day that is farther away from her. But I guess I shouldn't look at it like that. I keep trying to remind myself that it is a day closer to when I will see her again. :-)
All in all I think we are doing pretty well. I think I was able to do a lot of my grieving during my pregnancy. I am so thankful for that time. Although I miss my daughter terribly it's not quite the same devastation I felt the day of her diagnosis. I am so thankful that I had those 17 weeks after we found out to process it all. On Ella's birthday there was no devastation or even disappointment. I was able to just love her for exactly who she was! I was able to soak up every second with her. I was able to have pictures taken, make hand and foot molds, and cut a tiny lock of her hair.
I am so thankful for the technology we have today that could tell me at 16 weeks pregnant that there was something wrong with my daughter. Had I given birth to her 30 years ago I would have never had an ultrasound. I wouldn't have know anything was wrong until she was born. And things like this were handled much differently back then. As soon as she was out and the doctor's realized what was wrong they probably would have whisked her away and given me something to knock me out. When I woke up they would have told me that my baby had died and it was better if I didn't see her. They would have told me to put this behind me, that I could have more children.
Thankfully that is not at all what Ella's birth looked like. My doctor's and nurses were amazing! We were given as much time as we needed to make memories with our daughter. Our children got to hold their little sister. Our friends and family got to meet her and love on her. We had an amazing photographer, Traci Branscum, who came and took beautiful photos of our daughter that we will treasure forever! I am so thankful that Ella was born in 2010!
I am thankful that I carried her as long as my body would allow me to. When we first got Ella's diagnosis I didn't know how I was going to carry a baby that I knew was going to die. I just knew that there was no way I could terminate. If I had terminated, Ella's cause of death wouldn't have been anencephaly, it would have been me. I have no right to say when someone's life should end. Her life was just as valuable as anyone else's. Even if she wasn't perfect. God worked through her anyway. I learned so much from her in her short little life. I look at the world much differently than I did 6 months ago. Carrying Ella was one of the best things I have ever done. I am not going to say it was always easy but it was far easier than I ever could have imagined back in July.
I am so thankful to my God! I can honestly say that we felt God's presence through every step of this journey and we were never alone. And he is still with us on this side of the journey as I carry Ella in my heart instead of in my belly. :)
All in all I think we are doing pretty well. I think I was able to do a lot of my grieving during my pregnancy. I am so thankful for that time. Although I miss my daughter terribly it's not quite the same devastation I felt the day of her diagnosis. I am so thankful that I had those 17 weeks after we found out to process it all. On Ella's birthday there was no devastation or even disappointment. I was able to just love her for exactly who she was! I was able to soak up every second with her. I was able to have pictures taken, make hand and foot molds, and cut a tiny lock of her hair.
I am so thankful for the technology we have today that could tell me at 16 weeks pregnant that there was something wrong with my daughter. Had I given birth to her 30 years ago I would have never had an ultrasound. I wouldn't have know anything was wrong until she was born. And things like this were handled much differently back then. As soon as she was out and the doctor's realized what was wrong they probably would have whisked her away and given me something to knock me out. When I woke up they would have told me that my baby had died and it was better if I didn't see her. They would have told me to put this behind me, that I could have more children.
Thankfully that is not at all what Ella's birth looked like. My doctor's and nurses were amazing! We were given as much time as we needed to make memories with our daughter. Our children got to hold their little sister. Our friends and family got to meet her and love on her. We had an amazing photographer, Traci Branscum, who came and took beautiful photos of our daughter that we will treasure forever! I am so thankful that Ella was born in 2010!
I am thankful that I carried her as long as my body would allow me to. When we first got Ella's diagnosis I didn't know how I was going to carry a baby that I knew was going to die. I just knew that there was no way I could terminate. If I had terminated, Ella's cause of death wouldn't have been anencephaly, it would have been me. I have no right to say when someone's life should end. Her life was just as valuable as anyone else's. Even if she wasn't perfect. God worked through her anyway. I learned so much from her in her short little life. I look at the world much differently than I did 6 months ago. Carrying Ella was one of the best things I have ever done. I am not going to say it was always easy but it was far easier than I ever could have imagined back in July.
I am so thankful to my God! I can honestly say that we felt God's presence through every step of this journey and we were never alone. And he is still with us on this side of the journey as I carry Ella in my heart instead of in my belly. :)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
I have so many things to be thankful for this year, my amazing husband, my four beautiful children, and my wonderful friends and family. Someone had posted this story on one of the message boards I am on for parents of children with anencephaly and it really struck a chord so I thought I would share it.
THE BLESSING OF THORNS...
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November
gust and the florist shop door.
Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her
second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.
During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over
her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a
transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called
saying she could not come.
What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a
God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with
others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a
shudder.
"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver
whose truck was hardly scratched
when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her
child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.
"I....I need an arrangement, "stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?
Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with
a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm
convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for
something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that
could go wrong has gone wrong.
" Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I
have the perfect arrangement
for you." Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi
Barbara...let me get your order." She politely
excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared,
carrying an arrangement of
greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems
were neatly snipped...there were no flowers.
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's
response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?!
She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara
replied with an appreciative smile.
"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by
its significance, but I can feel it
right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. "Uhh,"
stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just left with no
flowers!" "Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the
Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. "Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing
to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra. "Barbara came into the shop three years ago
feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she
had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the
family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major
surgery." "That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for
the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no
children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any
travel. "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for
thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things
in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but
when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark
times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns
to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God
comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort
others. "Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her
friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've
lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop.
"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in
to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ....twelve thorny, long-stemmed
stems!" laughed
Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.
"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra doubtingly. "Do you mind me asking why
she wants something that looks like that? "No...I'm glad you asked," Phil
replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we
were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through
problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me
she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny"
times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My
wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to
Him for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to
Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to
the clerk. "It's all too... fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my
experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's
providential care more during trouble than at any other time.
Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love.
Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time
since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those
twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra. "Nothing." said the clerk.
"Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's
arrangement is always on me. "The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.
"I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it
first."
It read:
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a
thousand times for my roses, but never
once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value
of my thorns. Show me that I have
climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears,
the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
The moral of this story: Thank God for your thorns.
THE BLESSING OF THORNS...
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November
gust and the florist shop door.
Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her
second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.
During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over
her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a
transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called
saying she could not come.
What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a
God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with
others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a
shudder.
"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver
whose truck was hardly scratched
when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her
child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.
"I....I need an arrangement, "stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?
Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with
a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm
convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for
something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that
could go wrong has gone wrong.
" Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I
have the perfect arrangement
for you." Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi
Barbara...let me get your order." She politely
excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared,
carrying an arrangement of
greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems
were neatly snipped...there were no flowers.
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's
response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?!
She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara
replied with an appreciative smile.
"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by
its significance, but I can feel it
right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. "Uhh,"
stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just left with no
flowers!" "Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the
Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. "Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing
to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra. "Barbara came into the shop three years ago
feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she
had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the
family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major
surgery." "That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for
the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no
children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any
travel. "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for
thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things
in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but
when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark
times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns
to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God
comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort
others. "Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her
friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've
lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop.
"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in
to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ....twelve thorny, long-stemmed
stems!" laughed
Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.
"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra doubtingly. "Do you mind me asking why
she wants something that looks like that? "No...I'm glad you asked," Phil
replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we
were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through
problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me
she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny"
times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My
wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to
Him for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to
Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to
the clerk. "It's all too... fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my
experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's
providential care more during trouble than at any other time.
Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love.
Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time
since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those
twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra. "Nothing." said the clerk.
"Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's
arrangement is always on me. "The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.
"I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it
first."
It read:
"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a
thousand times for my roses, but never
once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value
of my thorns. Show me that I have
climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears,
the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."
The moral of this story: Thank God for your thorns.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Ella's Ashes
We picked Ella's ashes up from the funeral home Saturday. I was so excited to get them! To have her home. I hate it that her "home coming" was in a marble box. I wish she could have seen our house. That we could have showed her her brother and sister's rooms. That she could have slept in our bassinet. But it is still good to have her home, to have all of our kiddo's under one roof. Even if she is not really here. Really she is in Heaven where she belongs. And really there is no place (other than here in my arms) that I would rather her be!
It was difficult to find an urn for her. There aren't a lot of great urn's out there for babies. But I think the one we chose fits her well. A beautiful urn for a beautiful baby!
It was difficult to find an urn for her. There aren't a lot of great urn's out there for babies. But I think the one we chose fits her well. A beautiful urn for a beautiful baby!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Measure your life in love...
This has always been one of my favorite songs that they play at Christmas time. I heard it today and bawled my eyes out. It seems to take on a little bit more meaning this year.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Missing my girl....
A Mother's Love
I didn't have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you.
I didn't have to hear you cry
to know you loved me too.
I didn't need to hold your hand
to cherish you for always.
Within my womb, we shared our hearts,
you touched my soul.
You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I will always hold clear.
Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.
But a mother's love does not end with death.
For you are my child,
Forever my love is yours...
Author Unknown
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Ella's Birth Story
I am writing this down as much for myself as for everyone else so please forgive me if there are moments of tmi. I want to make sure I can remember as much of it as possible. It might get pretty long.
I went in on Friday, October 30, 2010 to be induced. I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. My in laws came to the house and were going to stay there and wait until the kids got up and they would get them ready and bring them to the hospital. Jacob and I arrived at the hospital and they got my IV going and got my blood work. I was already having steady contractions on my own. When I got to the hospital I was 2cm dilated already. About 7:00 they started my pitocin and I got my epidural shortly after that. At 9:00 my doctor arrived and checked me and I was 3cm dilated. It seemed that things were moving right along. I assumed things would go much like my other deliveries and we would have a baby by early afternoon. The nurses kept checking me about every hour and I wasn't making any more progress. About 3:00 my doctor came in and said we needed to stop the induction for the day. Pitocin can cause kidney problems which can cause swelling and with my fluid levels already being so high they didn't want to take any chances. So the plan was to turn off the pitocin and we would start it again the next morning. They left my epidural in place so I was pain free and able to get a good nights sleep for the first time in weeks.
The next morning at 4:00 am the nurse came in and checked me. I was 4cm so I had made some progress through the night. At 5:00 the nurse came back in and said they were worried because all of the fluid they were putting in me was not coming out. They had given me like 6000 ml of IV fluids but I had only put out about 250. They did more blood work to check my electrolytes and put these things on my legs that were like blood pressure cuffs. They would fill up with air and then let it out. It was supposed to keep fluid from building up in my legs and feet. They also started my pitocin again. The day went on and I wasn't making any more progress. I was effacing more but not dilating. I was also starting to swell, everywhere. My legs and feet looked like sausages. About 3:00 I started having chest pains and my doctor said we had to shut the induction down. Fluid was starting to pool in my chest and it would start to compromise my lungs and heart. They also measured my belly and I was now measuring 47cm or 47 weeks pregnant. I was pretty sure they were going to tell me it was time to do a c-section but my doctor didn't even feel like that was safe with all of the fluid I was carrying. So it was decided that I would go home and come back Monday night and they would give me cervadil overnight and Tuesday morning they would start the pitocin again. That would give time for the swelling to go down and for the pitocin to get out of my system.
They took out my IV and epidural and told me to wait about 2 hours before I tried to get out of bed to make sure I had full feeling back in my legs. The epidural wore off but the pitocin was still in my system so I was still having strong contractions. I was in a lot of pain! So they gave me some kind of narcotic pain reliever that I now can't remember the name of. They also had me get in the shower. I was having back labor and the warm water in the shower was about the only thing that helped. I bet I stayed in the shower for about 2 hours. When I got out of the shower I was starting to feel bad from the pain medication that they gave me. It wasn't long before I started throwing up. They ended up deciding to go ahead and keep me overnight since I was in so much pain and throwing up.
By Sunday morning I was feeling much better and went home about 9:00am. I laid around the house all day Sunday. I was in pain just from all of the fluid I was carrying. It was also Halloween so that evening Jacob and his dad took the kids out trick or treating. I was so miserable from the pain of the fluid that I wasn't able to sleep at all Sunday night. I was also starting to have regular contractions again and I think I got in the bathtub about 3 times because it was the only place I wasn't in pain. Monday morning I had to be at my doctor's office at 9:00am to go over what we would do Monday night for the induction. My mom came over to watch the kids and my mother in-law drove me to my doctor's appt. When I got to the doctor's office I mentioned that I had been having contractions all night and he wanted to check me to see if I had progressed any more. When he checked me I was a good 5cm dilated and completely effaced and Ella had moved down low. He said if I wanted I could go on over to the hospital and he would break my water and start the pitocin. That sounded great to me!
Jacob had went to work that morning because we thought Ella wouldn't be here until Tuesday so I called him and told him they were sending me on over to the hospital. He is a union carpenter and luckily he was working on an addition to the hospital so it only took him about 2 minutes to get there. We made phone calls and let the family know that it looked like Ella would be here soon. I got to the hospital and they got me in my room and got my IV started. My doctor came in and wanted to break my water and I was so miserable from the pressure of all of the fluid I agreed. I should have waited until they got my epidural in but I just wanted some relief. I have never seen anything like it when he broke my water. I literally flooded the room! The fluid just kept coming and coming! I wasn't aware at the time but whenever he broke my water the pressure from the release of all of the fluid caused a placental abruption. As soon as my water was broke the contractions started coming fast and furious! They couldn't get my epidural because my blood work wasn't back yet. The doctor came in and checked me and I was 6cm and bleeding quite a bit.
With my next contraction I told Jacob that I needed to push. He went and got the doctor and he said I was completely dilated. He told me I could wait and get my epidural or I could go ahead and start pushing. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to sit up and get my epidural so I said lets just do this. Let me just say that I do not, for any reason, recommend having a baby without an epidural. Wow, that was painful! I only pushed for about 10 minutes although if felt like about 10 hours! Miss Ella Joy Roth made her arrival at 11:27 am on November 1, 2010. She had made us wait through 4 days of labor only to come so fast that mama didn't even have time for pain medication! They laid her on my belly and the nurse listened for a heartbeat. "It's there but it's faint" she said. She got a hat for her head and I snuggled my baby. The nurse came back over and listened for her heartbeat but this time she couldn't find it. Jacob and I took turns holding her while they got me cleaned up.
Once I was decent again Jacob went and got the kids so they could meet their sister. They were so excited to finally meet her! I was a little bit worried about how Brighton would react. He is the oldest and had a pretty good grasp of what was happening. He did really well. He had a lot of questions. He asked if she was dead and we told him she was. He had a lot more questions and we tried to answer them as best we could. The girls were great! They kissed and hugged and poked her. They each took a turn holding her. Once the kids were done spending some time with her we let the rest of the family in. Once everyone had a chance to meet her they moved me into my postpartum room. We spent the next couple of hours passing her around and loving on her. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures of Ella. About 4:00 all of the family left so we could spend some time alone with her before we had the funeral home come and get her. Jacob and I spent the next couple of hours just loving on our baby. Right before the funeral home came our preacher arrived and said a blessing over Ella. About 8:00pm someone from the funeral home arrived to pick Ella up.
That was the hardest part for me. I had been fine all day until I had to give my baby up. Jacob walked her to the nursery where the person from the funeral home was picking her up. He said he took her in there and left and went back and got her, and took her in there again, and went back and got her. Finally he left her and came back to the room. We both had a good long cry.
I was able to go home the next morning. I had lost quite a lot of blood and the doctor gave me the option of having a blood transfusion but said he thought if I just took it easy for the next couple of days I should be alright. So that is what I have been doing. Just taking it easy and trying to heal. We are pretty much taking it moment by moment. Thank you all so much for all the prayers, and cards, and meals. This has all been made easier by the caring and compassion of all of you. Thank you!!
I went in on Friday, October 30, 2010 to be induced. I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. My in laws came to the house and were going to stay there and wait until the kids got up and they would get them ready and bring them to the hospital. Jacob and I arrived at the hospital and they got my IV going and got my blood work. I was already having steady contractions on my own. When I got to the hospital I was 2cm dilated already. About 7:00 they started my pitocin and I got my epidural shortly after that. At 9:00 my doctor arrived and checked me and I was 3cm dilated. It seemed that things were moving right along. I assumed things would go much like my other deliveries and we would have a baby by early afternoon. The nurses kept checking me about every hour and I wasn't making any more progress. About 3:00 my doctor came in and said we needed to stop the induction for the day. Pitocin can cause kidney problems which can cause swelling and with my fluid levels already being so high they didn't want to take any chances. So the plan was to turn off the pitocin and we would start it again the next morning. They left my epidural in place so I was pain free and able to get a good nights sleep for the first time in weeks.
The next morning at 4:00 am the nurse came in and checked me. I was 4cm so I had made some progress through the night. At 5:00 the nurse came back in and said they were worried because all of the fluid they were putting in me was not coming out. They had given me like 6000 ml of IV fluids but I had only put out about 250. They did more blood work to check my electrolytes and put these things on my legs that were like blood pressure cuffs. They would fill up with air and then let it out. It was supposed to keep fluid from building up in my legs and feet. They also started my pitocin again. The day went on and I wasn't making any more progress. I was effacing more but not dilating. I was also starting to swell, everywhere. My legs and feet looked like sausages. About 3:00 I started having chest pains and my doctor said we had to shut the induction down. Fluid was starting to pool in my chest and it would start to compromise my lungs and heart. They also measured my belly and I was now measuring 47cm or 47 weeks pregnant. I was pretty sure they were going to tell me it was time to do a c-section but my doctor didn't even feel like that was safe with all of the fluid I was carrying. So it was decided that I would go home and come back Monday night and they would give me cervadil overnight and Tuesday morning they would start the pitocin again. That would give time for the swelling to go down and for the pitocin to get out of my system.
They took out my IV and epidural and told me to wait about 2 hours before I tried to get out of bed to make sure I had full feeling back in my legs. The epidural wore off but the pitocin was still in my system so I was still having strong contractions. I was in a lot of pain! So they gave me some kind of narcotic pain reliever that I now can't remember the name of. They also had me get in the shower. I was having back labor and the warm water in the shower was about the only thing that helped. I bet I stayed in the shower for about 2 hours. When I got out of the shower I was starting to feel bad from the pain medication that they gave me. It wasn't long before I started throwing up. They ended up deciding to go ahead and keep me overnight since I was in so much pain and throwing up.
By Sunday morning I was feeling much better and went home about 9:00am. I laid around the house all day Sunday. I was in pain just from all of the fluid I was carrying. It was also Halloween so that evening Jacob and his dad took the kids out trick or treating. I was so miserable from the pain of the fluid that I wasn't able to sleep at all Sunday night. I was also starting to have regular contractions again and I think I got in the bathtub about 3 times because it was the only place I wasn't in pain. Monday morning I had to be at my doctor's office at 9:00am to go over what we would do Monday night for the induction. My mom came over to watch the kids and my mother in-law drove me to my doctor's appt. When I got to the doctor's office I mentioned that I had been having contractions all night and he wanted to check me to see if I had progressed any more. When he checked me I was a good 5cm dilated and completely effaced and Ella had moved down low. He said if I wanted I could go on over to the hospital and he would break my water and start the pitocin. That sounded great to me!
Jacob had went to work that morning because we thought Ella wouldn't be here until Tuesday so I called him and told him they were sending me on over to the hospital. He is a union carpenter and luckily he was working on an addition to the hospital so it only took him about 2 minutes to get there. We made phone calls and let the family know that it looked like Ella would be here soon. I got to the hospital and they got me in my room and got my IV started. My doctor came in and wanted to break my water and I was so miserable from the pressure of all of the fluid I agreed. I should have waited until they got my epidural in but I just wanted some relief. I have never seen anything like it when he broke my water. I literally flooded the room! The fluid just kept coming and coming! I wasn't aware at the time but whenever he broke my water the pressure from the release of all of the fluid caused a placental abruption. As soon as my water was broke the contractions started coming fast and furious! They couldn't get my epidural because my blood work wasn't back yet. The doctor came in and checked me and I was 6cm and bleeding quite a bit.
With my next contraction I told Jacob that I needed to push. He went and got the doctor and he said I was completely dilated. He told me I could wait and get my epidural or I could go ahead and start pushing. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to sit up and get my epidural so I said lets just do this. Let me just say that I do not, for any reason, recommend having a baby without an epidural. Wow, that was painful! I only pushed for about 10 minutes although if felt like about 10 hours! Miss Ella Joy Roth made her arrival at 11:27 am on November 1, 2010. She had made us wait through 4 days of labor only to come so fast that mama didn't even have time for pain medication! They laid her on my belly and the nurse listened for a heartbeat. "It's there but it's faint" she said. She got a hat for her head and I snuggled my baby. The nurse came back over and listened for her heartbeat but this time she couldn't find it. Jacob and I took turns holding her while they got me cleaned up.
Once I was decent again Jacob went and got the kids so they could meet their sister. They were so excited to finally meet her! I was a little bit worried about how Brighton would react. He is the oldest and had a pretty good grasp of what was happening. He did really well. He had a lot of questions. He asked if she was dead and we told him she was. He had a lot more questions and we tried to answer them as best we could. The girls were great! They kissed and hugged and poked her. They each took a turn holding her. Once the kids were done spending some time with her we let the rest of the family in. Once everyone had a chance to meet her they moved me into my postpartum room. We spent the next couple of hours passing her around and loving on her. A photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures of Ella. About 4:00 all of the family left so we could spend some time alone with her before we had the funeral home come and get her. Jacob and I spent the next couple of hours just loving on our baby. Right before the funeral home came our preacher arrived and said a blessing over Ella. About 8:00pm someone from the funeral home arrived to pick Ella up.
That was the hardest part for me. I had been fine all day until I had to give my baby up. Jacob walked her to the nursery where the person from the funeral home was picking her up. He said he took her in there and left and went back and got her, and took her in there again, and went back and got her. Finally he left her and came back to the room. We both had a good long cry.
I was able to go home the next morning. I had lost quite a lot of blood and the doctor gave me the option of having a blood transfusion but said he thought if I just took it easy for the next couple of days I should be alright. So that is what I have been doing. Just taking it easy and trying to heal. We are pretty much taking it moment by moment. Thank you all so much for all the prayers, and cards, and meals. This has all been made easier by the caring and compassion of all of you. Thank you!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Ella Joy
Sorry it has taken me so long to update. It has been a rough couple of days. Ella Joy Roth was born yesterday November 1, 2010. She weighed 3lbs 11oz and was 15 inches long. She had a faint hear beat when she was born but when the nurse checked just a few minutes later it was gone. We spent the whole day loving on her and showing her off to everybody. Someone from the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came and took pictures of her and I hope to have a couple of them back soon to post. She was a beautiful girl and for only being three pounds she was a chunk! I will try to get her birth story up in the next day or two. Its a long one. We are still in the hospital but are planning on going home later this morning. Thank you all so much for the thoughts and prayers.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Update
Not much change this morning. They came in and checked me about 4:00 this morning and I was about 4cm. I was also having a problem with the fluids they were giving me. They were going in but not coming out. So they gave me some lasiks (I am sure I just butchered the spelling of that) and I have to wear these things on my legs that are like blood pressure cuffs and fill up with air and squeeze my legs every couple of minutes. About 5:00 they started my pitocin again and I was feeling some pain so they gave me a bolster of the epidural. Now I am feeling comfortable and just waiting to make some progress. The doctor should be here before long and he will check me again. Hopefully I have made some progress!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Still Waiting
Well, not much progress so far. I have been 3 centimeters since 9:00 this morning. I have made progress by effacing and Ella has dropped. So far no change in dialation. They have turned off my pitocin for the night and are going to let me get something to eat (Yay!). My doctor said he still thought I would go sometime through the night but he wasn't sure when. So we have told family members that were waiting with us here to go on home and we will call them as soon as anything changes. I really thought things would go much faster than this today. But I am looking forward to getting something to eat and hopefully getting some rest. Now that I have my epidural the pain in my back and ribs is gone. Hopefully I can get some sleep and be bright eyed and bushy tailed when Ella arrives! Thank you all for your continued prayers! I will update if anything changes.
It's Here
It's Ella Day! I am getting ready to leave for the hospital here in about 30 minutes. I will try to update through out the day. Thank you all for the many good thoughts and prayers. Today is the day we need them most!
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