6 Weeks

It has been 6 weeks since Ella has come and gone. The last couple of days have been harder for me for some reason. I guess it's because when I first got pregnant I pictured this holiday season being much different. This upcoming Thursday would have been my due date so I thought I would be having a baby any day now. On Saturday night we had Jacob's union Christmas party to go to. Jacob's mom and dad were keeping the kids for us so Jacob ran them out there about noon. So we had most of the day Saturday to ourselves. Jacob had a headache so he came home and took a nap. Which left me by myself. Most of the time I have enough kids and commotion around me that I don't really have time to dwell on my loss much. But Saturday I had plenty of time. And to top it all off I thought I would watch Elizabeth Edwards funeral on TV. Not a good idea. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. So I spent most of the day Saturday wallowing.

 Another thing that I think bothered me was that when I had pictured this Christmas party I thought I would still be pregnant. My brother and sister in law were also there, and another friend and his wife who are expecting a baby in January. This summer I thought that we would all be big and pregnant at the Christmas party. All awaiting the births of our perfect babies. But instead my belly was empty and my baby is in Heaven.

Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a candle light ceremony in our community for all children, siblings, and grandchildren who have passed away. There was a photo slide show that Ella was included in. They also read a beautiful poem and there was music played. I was surprised to see how many people in our community had lost children. There were children of all different ages who had died for many different reasons - from car accidents to illness. It was kind of comforting to be in a room filled with people who have been through the same thing but also heartbreaking to know so many people are hurting the same way.

I was so looking forward to this Christmas but I am beginning to come to the realization that this holiday season is the beginning of having to give up many of the little dreams that I had. One celebration at a time.

We did have a good time at Jacob's Christmas party! Most of the men in his family are union carpenters so it is always more like a family reunion than a work Christmas party. The anticipation of going was much worse than actually being there. Once I got there it was easy to relax and fall into the conversation. We laughed and joked and had a good time! I am sure that is how every holiday celebration will be - much worse in my head than in reality.

Jacob and I at the union Christmas party.