Tuesday, August 17, 2010


My biggest fear is of the unknown. Will she be born alive? What will she look like? How long will we have with her? Will the end be peaceful, or violent and scary? I have so many questions that no one has the answers to.

All I can do is pray and trust that God will see us through this. But that is so hard to do sometimes. I am such a control freak. I like to know exactly what is going to happen so I can prepare for it. But as much as I have tried there is no preparing for your child to die. I have done everything that I can. I have prepared all of the physical, material things for her birth but there is no way I can prepare for the emotional part of it. How is it going to feel to see her? How is it going to feel to lose her? These things run through my mind all day long. How long will it take before I feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again?

Will we always feel like something is missing? I just keep thinking how every time we take a family photograph, for the rest of our lives,that our whole family won't be there. And on Lily's wedding day will I look up at the alter and be saddened by the fact that Ella isn't standing up there next to Lilah as a bridesmaid? Our family will never again be whole. How do we recover from this? Is that even possible?

Only God knows the answers to these questions. He has know this was going to come to pass since before I was born. In some ways that is a comfort to me, to know that this is all part of his plan. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. The hardest part is still to come.


  1. Nothing can touch you that doesn't come through the hands of an all-wise, loving God. I know that doesn't necessarily take all our pain and fears away, but He has promised that He will be with you in all things. Praying for you, Jacob, your children, and for your Ella daily.

  2. Thank you for sharing your candid thoughts. I imagine you will feel many of the things you mentioned, and many more, too. We seem to think of our first daughter who would be three at the most unusual times, but usually they are fond feelings, like: I bet she would have loved this or that we wish we could have held her during this movie or something. It was not like this during the first two years following our loss. I hope that time (and God's mercy) can help you with reframing those missing family memories into ones that seem a little bit wistful, not mournful.

  3. Oh Courtney, I can't even begin to fathom half of what you are going through, but I am praying for you, Jacob and ALL of your babies everyday.

  4. Courtney you are truly amazing! You fear the unknown but for Ella's sake you are willing to face your fear. I am praying for a precious and peaceful birth for you,Jacob and Ella. Love you guys very much. Aunt Donna