My biggest fear is of the unknown. Will she be born alive? What will she look like? How long will we have with her? Will the end be peaceful, or violent and scary? I have so many questions that no one has the answers to.
All I can do is pray and trust that God will see us through this. But that is so hard to do sometimes. I am such a control freak. I like to know exactly what is going to happen so I can prepare for it. But as much as I have tried there is no preparing for your child to die. I have done everything that I can. I have prepared all of the physical, material things for her birth but there is no way I can prepare for the emotional part of it. How is it going to feel to see her? How is it going to feel to lose her? These things run through my mind all day long. How long will it take before I feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again?
Will we always feel like something is missing? I just keep thinking how every time we take a family photograph, for the rest of our lives,that our whole family won't be there. And on Lily's wedding day will I look up at the alter and be saddened by the fact that Ella isn't standing up there next to Lilah as a bridesmaid? Our family will never again be whole. How do we recover from this? Is that even possible?
Only God knows the answers to these questions. He has know this was going to come to pass since before I was born. In some ways that is a comfort to me, to know that this is all part of his plan. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. The hardest part is still to come.