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| 2D prifile pic |
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| 3D |
Monday, June 20, 2011
New pictures
Again I am horribly late at updating my blog. I had my 20 week ultrasound about 3 weeks ago now and our little guy looked just perfect! The perinatologist said he saw no signs of neural tube defects or any other defects for that matter. He gave our baby boy a clean bill of health and barring any other complications I will not need to see them again for the remainder of my pregnancy. So I feel like I can finally start thinking that we are going to have a baby in October and start shopping for all of the the things he will need. Poor baby still doesn't have a name yet. I am just praying he will have one by the time he arrives. Boy's names are so hard. At least for us. We can't seem to agree on anything! Here are a few pictures from our 20 week ultrasound!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
News!
I have been horrible about blogging but just wanted to let everyone know that......
Ella is going to be a big sister!!!
We are expecting a little boy who is due in October. So far he seems to be perfectly healthy. We have had 4 ultrasounds so far and he has looked great in every one. At our 13 week ultrasound the tech guessed boy and we had another ultrasound at an elective ultrasound place this week and they confirmed boy! He was not shy about letting us see the goods. :-) So without further ado, here he is....
Ella is going to be a big sister!!!
We are expecting a little boy who is due in October. So far he seems to be perfectly healthy. We have had 4 ultrasounds so far and he has looked great in every one. At our 13 week ultrasound the tech guessed boy and we had another ultrasound at an elective ultrasound place this week and they confirmed boy! He was not shy about letting us see the goods. :-) So without further ado, here he is....
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Playing Catch Up
Wow, it has been almost a month since I have posted on here! I guess I need to play a bit of catch up since it has been so long. We had a good Christmas. It was nice celebrating with our families and the kids got lots of good loot. It was a little bit sad not having Ella there for her first Christmas. I think what bothered me the most is not being able to do anything for her for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I am glad we had her cremated and I am glad her ashes are here with us at home. But I at times like Christmas I wish she had a grave site. Somewhere where we could go and decorate with flowers for her or leave her little gifts. I just wanted to do something for my baby for Christmas. But there was nothing to do for her, nowhere to leave flowers or toys. This spring we are going to plant a tree in our yard for her so maybe next year I can leave something for her under it. I am truly at peace with her being in Heaven. I know that she is right where she was meant to be. But I still felt guilty. I don't want her to feel left out. Silly, I know.
For Christmas, instead of gifts, (which they ended up getting us anyway) my in-laws have rented a house on the beach in Gulf Shores for us in May. It will be us, my mother and father in-law, my brother in-law Daniel and his wife Tiffany and their baby girl Nora (who should be arriving any day now!). I can't wait! Jacob and I have never been on a "real" vacation together. We didn't get to take a honeymoon and I don't count weekends in Branson as a "real" vacation. The kids are super excited too! It will be the first time they have ever seen the ocean. It also gives us something good to look forward to. I am counting the days and I can't wait for May to get here!
I will leave you with a couple pictures of Christmas and the snow we got this week. :-)
For Christmas, instead of gifts, (which they ended up getting us anyway) my in-laws have rented a house on the beach in Gulf Shores for us in May. It will be us, my mother and father in-law, my brother in-law Daniel and his wife Tiffany and their baby girl Nora (who should be arriving any day now!). I can't wait! Jacob and I have never been on a "real" vacation together. We didn't get to take a honeymoon and I don't count weekends in Branson as a "real" vacation. The kids are super excited too! It will be the first time they have ever seen the ocean. It also gives us something good to look forward to. I am counting the days and I can't wait for May to get here!
I will leave you with a couple pictures of Christmas and the snow we got this week. :-)
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| Lilah opening a ds game. |
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| Lily |
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| Brighton and his paper jamz |
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| Our messy living room after the gifts were opened on Christmas Eve. |
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| Christmas morning before the kids woke up. |
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| Cookies for Santa! |
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| Snow day! |
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| Lily throwing snowballs |
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| Lilah |
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| Brighton sledding! |
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| Good times :-) |
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| And...Just because they are so cute, two of my favorite people! |
Friday, December 17, 2010
Ella's Ornaments
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| Sweet Feet! |
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| A gift from my mom. |
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| A picture ornament. |
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| The Roth family Christmas tree! |
Due Date
Today was supposed to be Ella's due date. It would have been a really interesting one too, had she come today, with all of the ice we got last night. I think it probably would have been my first home birth! But luckily because of the ice Jacob stayed home today which helped keep my mind off of it being her due date. We just hung out and watched T.V and baked some gingerbread cookies. It was a pretty good day, really. But now that the day is coming to a close I am kinda sad. Her due date kind of feels like the last little piece of her. And now it is almost over. The day that should have been her's.
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
The Band Perry, If I Die Young
Monday, December 13, 2010
6 Weeks
It has been 6 weeks since Ella has come and gone. The last couple of days have been harder for me for some reason. I guess it's because when I first got pregnant I pictured this holiday season being much different. This upcoming Thursday would have been my due date so I thought I would be having a baby any day now. On Saturday night we had Jacob's union Christmas party to go to. Jacob's mom and dad were keeping the kids for us so Jacob ran them out there about noon. So we had most of the day Saturday to ourselves. Jacob had a headache so he came home and took a nap. Which left me by myself. Most of the time I have enough kids and commotion around me that I don't really have time to dwell on my loss much. But Saturday I had plenty of time. And to top it all off I thought I would watch Elizabeth Edwards funeral on TV. Not a good idea. Once I started crying I couldn't stop. So I spent most of the day Saturday wallowing.
Another thing that I think bothered me was that when I had pictured this Christmas party I thought I would still be pregnant. My brother and sister in law were also there, and another friend and his wife who are expecting a baby in January. This summer I thought that we would all be big and pregnant at the Christmas party. All awaiting the births of our perfect babies. But instead my belly was empty and my baby is in Heaven.
Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a candle light ceremony in our community for all children, siblings, and grandchildren who have passed away. There was a photo slide show that Ella was included in. They also read a beautiful poem and there was music played. I was surprised to see how many people in our community had lost children. There were children of all different ages who had died for many different reasons - from car accidents to illness. It was kind of comforting to be in a room filled with people who have been through the same thing but also heartbreaking to know so many people are hurting the same way.
I was so looking forward to this Christmas but I am beginning to come to the realization that this holiday season is the beginning of having to give up many of the little dreams that I had. One celebration at a time.
We did have a good time at Jacob's Christmas party! Most of the men in his family are union carpenters so it is always more like a family reunion than a work Christmas party. The anticipation of going was much worse than actually being there. Once I got there it was easy to relax and fall into the conversation. We laughed and joked and had a good time! I am sure that is how every holiday celebration will be - much worse in my head than in reality.
Another thing that I think bothered me was that when I had pictured this Christmas party I thought I would still be pregnant. My brother and sister in law were also there, and another friend and his wife who are expecting a baby in January. This summer I thought that we would all be big and pregnant at the Christmas party. All awaiting the births of our perfect babies. But instead my belly was empty and my baby is in Heaven.
Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a candle light ceremony in our community for all children, siblings, and grandchildren who have passed away. There was a photo slide show that Ella was included in. They also read a beautiful poem and there was music played. I was surprised to see how many people in our community had lost children. There were children of all different ages who had died for many different reasons - from car accidents to illness. It was kind of comforting to be in a room filled with people who have been through the same thing but also heartbreaking to know so many people are hurting the same way.
I was so looking forward to this Christmas but I am beginning to come to the realization that this holiday season is the beginning of having to give up many of the little dreams that I had. One celebration at a time.
We did have a good time at Jacob's Christmas party! Most of the men in his family are union carpenters so it is always more like a family reunion than a work Christmas party. The anticipation of going was much worse than actually being there. Once I got there it was easy to relax and fall into the conversation. We laughed and joked and had a good time! I am sure that is how every holiday celebration will be - much worse in my head than in reality.
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| Jacob and I at the union Christmas party. |
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A thankful post
It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since Ella was born. It seems like the past month has flown by and that makes me really sad. Every day that goes by feels like a day that is farther away from her. But I guess I shouldn't look at it like that. I keep trying to remind myself that it is a day closer to when I will see her again. :-)
All in all I think we are doing pretty well. I think I was able to do a lot of my grieving during my pregnancy. I am so thankful for that time. Although I miss my daughter terribly it's not quite the same devastation I felt the day of her diagnosis. I am so thankful that I had those 17 weeks after we found out to process it all. On Ella's birthday there was no devastation or even disappointment. I was able to just love her for exactly who she was! I was able to soak up every second with her. I was able to have pictures taken, make hand and foot molds, and cut a tiny lock of her hair.
I am so thankful for the technology we have today that could tell me at 16 weeks pregnant that there was something wrong with my daughter. Had I given birth to her 30 years ago I would have never had an ultrasound. I wouldn't have know anything was wrong until she was born. And things like this were handled much differently back then. As soon as she was out and the doctor's realized what was wrong they probably would have whisked her away and given me something to knock me out. When I woke up they would have told me that my baby had died and it was better if I didn't see her. They would have told me to put this behind me, that I could have more children.
Thankfully that is not at all what Ella's birth looked like. My doctor's and nurses were amazing! We were given as much time as we needed to make memories with our daughter. Our children got to hold their little sister. Our friends and family got to meet her and love on her. We had an amazing photographer, Traci Branscum, who came and took beautiful photos of our daughter that we will treasure forever! I am so thankful that Ella was born in 2010!
I am thankful that I carried her as long as my body would allow me to. When we first got Ella's diagnosis I didn't know how I was going to carry a baby that I knew was going to die. I just knew that there was no way I could terminate. If I had terminated, Ella's cause of death wouldn't have been anencephaly, it would have been me. I have no right to say when someone's life should end. Her life was just as valuable as anyone else's. Even if she wasn't perfect. God worked through her anyway. I learned so much from her in her short little life. I look at the world much differently than I did 6 months ago. Carrying Ella was one of the best things I have ever done. I am not going to say it was always easy but it was far easier than I ever could have imagined back in July.
I am so thankful to my God! I can honestly say that we felt God's presence through every step of this journey and we were never alone. And he is still with us on this side of the journey as I carry Ella in my heart instead of in my belly. :)
All in all I think we are doing pretty well. I think I was able to do a lot of my grieving during my pregnancy. I am so thankful for that time. Although I miss my daughter terribly it's not quite the same devastation I felt the day of her diagnosis. I am so thankful that I had those 17 weeks after we found out to process it all. On Ella's birthday there was no devastation or even disappointment. I was able to just love her for exactly who she was! I was able to soak up every second with her. I was able to have pictures taken, make hand and foot molds, and cut a tiny lock of her hair.
I am so thankful for the technology we have today that could tell me at 16 weeks pregnant that there was something wrong with my daughter. Had I given birth to her 30 years ago I would have never had an ultrasound. I wouldn't have know anything was wrong until she was born. And things like this were handled much differently back then. As soon as she was out and the doctor's realized what was wrong they probably would have whisked her away and given me something to knock me out. When I woke up they would have told me that my baby had died and it was better if I didn't see her. They would have told me to put this behind me, that I could have more children.
Thankfully that is not at all what Ella's birth looked like. My doctor's and nurses were amazing! We were given as much time as we needed to make memories with our daughter. Our children got to hold their little sister. Our friends and family got to meet her and love on her. We had an amazing photographer, Traci Branscum, who came and took beautiful photos of our daughter that we will treasure forever! I am so thankful that Ella was born in 2010!
I am thankful that I carried her as long as my body would allow me to. When we first got Ella's diagnosis I didn't know how I was going to carry a baby that I knew was going to die. I just knew that there was no way I could terminate. If I had terminated, Ella's cause of death wouldn't have been anencephaly, it would have been me. I have no right to say when someone's life should end. Her life was just as valuable as anyone else's. Even if she wasn't perfect. God worked through her anyway. I learned so much from her in her short little life. I look at the world much differently than I did 6 months ago. Carrying Ella was one of the best things I have ever done. I am not going to say it was always easy but it was far easier than I ever could have imagined back in July.
I am so thankful to my God! I can honestly say that we felt God's presence through every step of this journey and we were never alone. And he is still with us on this side of the journey as I carry Ella in my heart instead of in my belly. :)
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